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New Beginnings.

Just over half way over the new year and so much has happened. The years appear to be flying by just as quickly as they came. I’m a college graduate, yes indeed. I have a pathetically designed piece of paper exclaiming that although I had my fair share of reckless college nights, I completed my field of study in the typical four years. 

What a ride of accomplishments, failures, and that weird in between. I’m so proud of myself, yet I still fell short of what I know I can be. This summer though, I’ve vowed…better decisions, smarter choices. 

I’ve gotten a raise, I’ve stood by my best friend as she got married, I’ve realized who I can trust(learned why I’m so bitter about those I can’t), I’ve learned who’s there for me, and most importantly I continue to understand myself…what makes me tick…and why the hell I continue to keep getting up every time my ass is kicked to the ground. 

I’m eager to fly, make something of myself. I work so hard, not to get what I want…yet my largest problem is realizing what I want. With all of my knowledge gained and the discoveries made…I’m still a little lost. I’m not quite sure where I belong or where or who it is I may make an impact upon. I’m thrilled though, ready for these upcoming changes and finally doing something for just me. 

It was nice to spend time with someone so interesting. We were very different and we disagreed about a lot of things, but he was always so interesting, you know?

Summer 2013…
I looked forward to you all year. After every dreaded test, every night studying, every day of work… I knew I was that much closer to and expectingly laid back summer.

Instead, you’ve thrown me through a loop. I’ve cried, I’ve learned, I’ve made some of my worst mistakes, I’ve hurt people, and even worse I’ve hurt myself. From it all though, I’ve really taken away a lot. I have a more clear understanding of who I am and where I want to be. It may sound cliche, but it’s incredibly true.

I now realize what I deserve and how I can stick up for myself to get that. Too often I’m a passive person and have given my rights up to those who just walk over me. I was weak before though. I wasn’t sure how to read people or understand why in general I shouldn’t trust them or question their motives. Now though, well now I’m curious. I want to know and I fight for answers, no longer will I be in the dark.

I’m understanding what I want from the people in my life and how to be understanding of their faults but show them what I expect. Does that sound shitty? It’s just often times I think I’m this friend everyone should want to have, but that I’m used for that and when I turn around and expect that same friendship it’s not there.

Really I just wish I had someone to talk to, close to me that is. That could just drink coffee at a local cafe and know all about me, all my mistakes, my goals, the roads I’ve traveled, and not judge me, but instead listen and give me honest feedback when asked.


There’s no flow to this post. Just a few thoughts on my mind.
Goodnight.

breaking point.

i am misunderstood, under appreciated, and taken advantage of. all the while i push forward, still doing and doing for others. Every now and then though, i get pushed passed my limit, the point where i just won’t take anymore shit from anyone. 

sometimes out of nowhere, i’ll finally stick up for myself. I’m just so damn fed up of compromising and accommodating others. it’s not fair and it’s definitely not worth it. 

What are words?

I haven’t the slightest clue why it’s so hard to admit, so hard to say. They’re just words right? You communicate with them, whether it’s verbally, or through symbols.

It think my problem is their value. They’re not just words, they’re my thoughts and my feelings. They’re worth more than just simple letters strung together, I’m confident of that. But, I’m apparently not the best at showing my words.

It makes me feel a little lost, as though there’s no purpose to and that perhaps is why I’m so scared. This odd thought process seems only clear to me though.

The problem is that I’ve denied it for song long that I too started to believe my lies. I can’t help it, this cowardliness makes it so difficult. I hope some day you know though, that it meant more than what the average onlooker would say it was, I promise you that.

You learn a little everyday…

I can’t even begin to explain how life has been lately. I feel like my only way out is writing, because somehow typing or sitting down with a pen is far easier than verbalizing my thoughts.

I’ve been feeling rather strange and my excess of stress with school work and incredible lack of sleep have not calmed my nerves at all. I’ve been terrified. And for some reason, I can’t be heard by those closest to me. Maybe they don’t understand what’s on my plate.

You know the saying “bite off more than you can chew?” I think that’s what happens with people when they engage in friendships with me, they bite off more than they can chew. I can’t help it… I’m high strung and a little in your face at times. I mean well, I care immensely for those I surround myself with.

I think most difficult for me to understand though, is people not understanding me. Am I that hard to read? I know I do it to myself, I’m closed up- I’m outgoing all the while never truly opening myself to people, letting them in to get me and my antics.

I’ve just needed someone to step out and show me they care. I think I get so worked up in doing for others that I forget I deserve more too.

Things are looking up though. I’ll move on. This day will end, and surely another will rise with a glorious sunset(that hopefully I’ll miss because I’m slumbering :P gotta catch up on my sleep), but I won’t be taking it for granted.

I’m scared.

The thing is, I’m scared. I’m scared of how the past couple months have gone, the mistakes I’ve made. I’m scared that I’d be the type of person to do that. I’m scared of all the thrilling moments I can’t put into words because they only confuse me. I’m scared of jealousy, because green isn’t my color.I’m scared of how you make me feel. I’m scared of how you feel.

There are so many things I want to say, but I fear I shouldn’t for several reasons that perhaps only make sense to me. I’m lost in the most familiar of places and that’s the irony of it all. I get lost in your eyes and the comfort of your embrace.

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