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It was nice to spend time with someone so interesting. We were very different and we disagreed about a lot of things, but he was always so interesting, you know?

Summer 2013…
I looked forward to you all year. After every dreaded test, every night studying, every day of work… I knew I was that much closer to and expectingly laid back summer.

Instead, you’ve thrown me through a loop. I’ve cried, I’ve learned, I’ve made some of my worst mistakes, I’ve hurt people, and even worse I’ve hurt myself. From it all though, I’ve really taken away a lot. I have a more clear understanding of who I am and where I want to be. It may sound cliche, but it’s incredibly true.

I now realize what I deserve and how I can stick up for myself to get that. Too often I’m a passive person and have given my rights up to those who just walk over me. I was weak before though. I wasn’t sure how to read people or understand why in general I shouldn’t trust them or question their motives. Now though, well now I’m curious. I want to know and I fight for answers, no longer will I be in the dark.

I’m understanding what I want from the people in my life and how to be understanding of their faults but show them what I expect. Does that sound shitty? It’s just often times I think I’m this friend everyone should want to have, but that I’m used for that and when I turn around and expect that same friendship it’s not there.

Really I just wish I had someone to talk to, close to me that is. That could just drink coffee at a local cafe and know all about me, all my mistakes, my goals, the roads I’ve traveled, and not judge me, but instead listen and give me honest feedback when asked.


There’s no flow to this post. Just a few thoughts on my mind.
Goodnight.

breaking point.

i am misunderstood, under appreciated, and taken advantage of. all the while i push forward, still doing and doing for others. Every now and then though, i get pushed passed my limit, the point where i just won’t take anymore shit from anyone. 

sometimes out of nowhere, i’ll finally stick up for myself. I’m just so damn fed up of compromising and accommodating others. it’s not fair and it’s definitely not worth it. 

What are words?

I haven’t the slightest clue why it’s so hard to admit, so hard to say. They’re just words right? You communicate with them, whether it’s verbally, or through symbols.

It think my problem is their value. They’re not just words, they’re my thoughts and my feelings. They’re worth more than just simple letters strung together, I’m confident of that. But, I’m apparently not the best at showing my words.

It makes me feel a little lost, as though there’s no purpose to and that perhaps is why I’m so scared. This odd thought process seems only clear to me though.

The problem is that I’ve denied it for song long that I too started to believe my lies. I can’t help it, this cowardliness makes it so difficult. I hope some day you know though, that it meant more than what the average onlooker would say it was, I promise you that.

You learn a little everyday…

I can’t even begin to explain how life has been lately. I feel like my only way out is writing, because somehow typing or sitting down with a pen is far easier than verbalizing my thoughts.

I’ve been feeling rather strange and my excess of stress with school work and incredible lack of sleep have not calmed my nerves at all. I’ve been terrified. And for some reason, I can’t be heard by those closest to me. Maybe they don’t understand what’s on my plate.

You know the saying “bite off more than you can chew?” I think that’s what happens with people when they engage in friendships with me, they bite off more than they can chew. I can’t help it… I’m high strung and a little in your face at times. I mean well, I care immensely for those I surround myself with.

I think most difficult for me to understand though, is people not understanding me. Am I that hard to read? I know I do it to myself, I’m closed up- I’m outgoing all the while never truly opening myself to people, letting them in to get me and my antics.

I’ve just needed someone to step out and show me they care. I think I get so worked up in doing for others that I forget I deserve more too.

Things are looking up though. I’ll move on. This day will end, and surely another will rise with a glorious sunset(that hopefully I’ll miss because I’m slumbering :P gotta catch up on my sleep), but I won’t be taking it for granted.

I’m scared.

The thing is, I’m scared. I’m scared of how the past couple months have gone, the mistakes I’ve made. I’m scared that I’d be the type of person to do that. I’m scared of all the thrilling moments I can’t put into words because they only confuse me. I’m scared of jealousy, because green isn’t my color.I’m scared of how you make me feel. I’m scared of how you feel.

There are so many things I want to say, but I fear I shouldn’t for several reasons that perhaps only make sense to me. I’m lost in the most familiar of places and that’s the irony of it all. I get lost in your eyes and the comfort of your embrace.

can i tell you something?

i’m not a very emotional person. don’t get me wrong, i’m not made of stone…i do feel. in fact, i’m probably one of the most sincere and caring individuals you’ll ever cross tracks with. i just don’t like sharing how i feel with others. 

i pride myself on my independence, and i absolutely can’t fathom making myself vulnerable to anyone. 

whether i can picture it or not though, i’m slowly breaking. i’m slowly realizing that i have to put myself out there to gain anything in return. 

it’s funny how someone can teach you something, it’s even funnier that they don’t have a clue in the world-then again, maybe they just don’t show it. 

i’m just ready, ready to give it a shot, ready to see where it can go…i’m just waiting for my chance. 

toniiiiiiiight.

i’ve been a little out of touch from myself. i was outraged to find out that so many people know so much about my life. i was bewildered that such thing as privacy no longer exists.

Crazy shit happens in my life no doubt. & for the most part i bring it upon myself with my don’t give a fuck/optimistic/sun shinny attitude. But i just feel like some moments/instances shouldn’t be broadcasted. It was astonishing for me to find out that one of my closest friends knew so much about me-before i myself got the chance to fill him in. 

I just wish i could find that moment i’ve been searching for, for so long to tell ‘em my side of everything they heard….and even tell my side so some that are completely oblivious. 

I’m just scared that they won’t understand or i’ll just fuck friendships up. I can see why my thoughts wouldn’t be so welcomed, but on the other hand-i can also see people eating my ridiculous stories up. 

either way, life has proven to puzzle me. 

…i keep to myself-nothing happens. 

…i become vocal-&i’m not heard, i purposely not heard, or no one likes what i have to say. 

my theory though-talking is good, feeling is good, honesty is good. 

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