I haven’t the slightest clue why it’s so hard to admit, so hard to say. They’re just words right? You communicate with them, whether it’s verbally, or through symbols.
It think my problem is their value. They’re not just words, they’re my thoughts and my feelings. They’re worth more than just simple letters strung together, I’m confident of that. But, I’m apparently not the best at showing my words.
It makes me feel a little lost, as though there’s no purpose to and that perhaps is why I’m so scared. This odd thought process seems only clear to me though.
The problem is that I’ve denied it for song long that I too started to believe my lies. I can’t help it, this cowardliness makes it so difficult. I hope some day you know though, that it meant more than what the average onlooker would say it was, I promise you that.
I can’t even begin to explain how life has been lately. I feel like my only way out is writing, because somehow typing or sitting down with a pen is far easier than verbalizing my thoughts.
I’ve been feeling rather strange and my excess of stress with school work and incredible lack of sleep have not calmed my nerves at all. I’ve been terrified. And for some reason, I can’t be heard by those closest to me. Maybe they don’t understand what’s on my plate.
You know the saying “bite off more than you can chew?” I think that’s what happens with people when they engage in friendships with me, they bite off more than they can chew. I can’t help it… I’m high strung and a little in your face at times. I mean well, I care immensely for those I surround myself with.
I think most difficult for me to understand though, is people not understanding me. Am I that hard to read? I know I do it to myself, I’m closed up- I’m outgoing all the while never truly opening myself to people, letting them in to get me and my antics.
I’ve just needed someone to step out and show me they care. I think I get so worked up in doing for others that I forget I deserve more too.
Things are looking up though. I’ll move on. This day will end, and surely another will rise with a glorious sunset(that hopefully I’ll miss because I’m slumbering :P gotta catch up on my sleep), but I won’t be taking it for granted.
The thing is, I’m scared. I’m scared of how the past couple months have gone, the mistakes I’ve made. I’m scared that I’d be the type of person to do that. I’m scared of all the thrilling moments I can’t put into words because they only confuse me. I’m scared of jealousy, because green isn’t my color.I’m scared of how you make me feel. I’m scared of how you feel.
There are so many things I want to say, but I fear I shouldn’t for several reasons that perhaps only make sense to me. I’m lost in the most familiar of places and that’s the irony of it all. I get lost in your eyes and the comfort of your embrace.
i’m not a very emotional person. don’t get me wrong, i’m not made of stone…i do feel. in fact, i’m probably one of the most sincere and caring individuals you’ll ever cross tracks with. i just don’t like sharing how i feel with others.
i pride myself on my independence, and i absolutely can’t fathom making myself vulnerable to anyone.
whether i can picture it or not though, i’m slowly breaking. i’m slowly realizing that i have to put myself out there to gain anything in return.
it’s funny how someone can teach you something, it’s even funnier that they don’t have a clue in the world-then again, maybe they just don’t show it.
i’m just ready, ready to give it a shot, ready to see where it can go…i’m just waiting for my chance.
i’ve been a little out of touch from myself. i was outraged to find out that so many people know so much about my life. i was bewildered that such thing as privacy no longer exists.
Crazy shit happens in my life no doubt. & for the most part i bring it upon myself with my don’t give a fuck/optimistic/sun shinny attitude. But i just feel like some moments/instances shouldn’t be broadcasted. It was astonishing for me to find out that one of my closest friends knew so much about me-before i myself got the chance to fill him in.
I just wish i could find that moment i’ve been searching for, for so long to tell ‘em my side of everything they heard….and even tell my side so some that are completely oblivious.
I’m just scared that they won’t understand or i’ll just fuck friendships up. I can see why my thoughts wouldn’t be so welcomed, but on the other hand-i can also see people eating my ridiculous stories up.
either way, life has proven to puzzle me.
…i keep to myself-nothing happens.
…i become vocal-&i’m not heard, i purposely not heard, or no one likes what i have to say.
my theory though-talking is good, feeling is good, honesty is good.
It’s funny to me how things in my life tend to come full circle. It’s as though everything and everyone gets another chance in my eyes and vise versa. I think I’ve gotten a second chance, although unsure and slightly scared to even venture in finding out the truth behind my thought, I’m content.
Questions may still inhibit the spaces of my mind, but there is no question in how I feel. I’m not bothered by my unanswered questions, rather curious. I’m just grateful to give something another shot that could have a lot of life. Maybe I’m wrong, but isn’t everything worth a try at least?
Everything that goes around truly comes around again, whether it’s a fad, a friendship, or good ‘ol fashioned karma. It appears as though we’re all reminded of something and it flashes to our present to either bite us in the ass or rejuvenate something that once was great. It may teach us a lesson and it may show us to be grateful of what we have. It’s my belief that there’s that moment in all our lives where we realize what we have is precious and we should do all we can to sustain this [whatever it may be] to continue our happiness. I think I’m at that moment. Although I’m unsure of what could be, I’m okay with what is… I’m happy. For the first time I’m not so stressed out… I’m beginning to forgive myself and most importantly I’m optimistic for what is to come. We all deserve happiness right, I’m just searching for mine.
There’s beauty all around us.
No one would really want to admit that Mr. Hesse was onto something with his above statement. Hesse’s statement can directly be correlated with defense mechanisms and how we as humans deal with emotions like denial. Our minds deal &cope with hardships in various different ways. This psychological perspective let’s me step back and realize how I myself deal with my thoughts on certain items. My biggest pet peeve in life is lying. As I take Hesse’s words in consideration, I believe he has something there. I get so worked up when I stumble upon someone lying, although it could certainly be a coping mechanism… It makes me a hypocrite all the same that I continuously lie to myself time after time. It’s as though my brain has some shut off valve that allows me to ignore my fault in such a matter by being so distracted by others I catch in the act of lying. Although I don’t believe this to be true for all the emotions we deal with, I do see a lot of true in how defense mechanisms and denial aid us in becoming clear examples of Hesse’s words.